Tiny Penis Syndrome

Some males just like to show off how big their penises are (or at least how big they imagine them to be). Sports, income, video games, technological gadgets: they all are penis measuring contests to these particular men, and Nanook fits right into this category. But as the saying goes, the bigger a man is (or thinks he is), the harder they'll fall (in the bedroom *snicker*). Sure, Nanook is an 80 pound dog that looks like he'll rip your head off if you so much as stick a hand out at him. Sure, he's big and bulky. But he's also an overcompensating wuss.

I blame the neutering. Nanook, like many dogs taken in by the pound, lost his male-dom when he was only six months old. 'Nook had no chance of 'planting his seed,' and seven months later, when he finally realized his male dream of producing little 'Nooks wasn't going to become a reality, he became one pissed off dick. Nanook started barking at everything that moved, as if to shout, 'I MAY NOT HAVE BALLS, BUT I CAN STILL SCARE AN UNSUSPECTING PASSERBY!!!' Neighbors that passed by the apartment window, my roommate's cats, friends (particularly male) who came over for a beer - they all fell victim to 'Nook's male rage. He'd bark ... and growl ... then bark some more. This proclamation of manliness could go on for hours. But it was all a show.

What the neighbors, the cats, and my friends didn't know is that much like the man who buys a Hummer to distract from his small rod, Nanook only growls to distract from the hidden fact that he is a dog scared of the least intimidating objects.

I started noticing this when he began growling at trash cans at 1 1/2 years old. If a Rubbermaid was moved so much as a 1/4", Nanook would go into full wuss-mode. He'd bark, put his tail in between his legs, then run as fast as he could until his massive body was completely shoved underneath my bed. Bicycles, hanging t-shirts, Christmas trees, leopard shoes - they all put the fear of God in Nanook. Even his own farts scared him.

This continued when I moved in with Will. 'Nook would walk into our bedroom, bark incessantly, then run away. It took us three weeks to realize what he was scared of Will's baseball glove on the dresser. Just last night, he got spooked by a hanging dress shirt.

It just goes to show overcompensating males are all alike. They put on a big show, but at the end of the day, the ones that show off the most are simply hiding something. So when I walk Nanook and people cross to the opposite side of the street, I can't help but laugh at the simple fact that my big, scary Nook is scared of Ralph Lauren.